DBH That All Shall Be Saved: Another Heretical Review

A few days ago I had a crazy idea. I wanted to spend roughly two minutes thumbing in a review of David Bentley Hart's latest (theological) book, That All Shall Be Saved. (I say this because he released a delightful children's book shortly after its release.) My review is nothing special. Although, admittedly, I'm the only person I know of in the cosmos whose basic disagreements with DBH, where found (which are not many), are slightly endorsed, albeit in a cheeky way, by himself in the book, and yet simultaneously and bombastically denounced within the same pages.

Perhaps, when all of the ridiculous invectives against Hart and the unapologetically childish cries  about the "heresy" of Apokatastasis across social media become a faded memory over the next year, I will muster enough energy to write a detailed, chapter by chapter response, showing that my own heretical critique is actually as reasonable, if not more so, than Hart's. 

But for now, this brief review will have to do. 

Recipe for Pastor Theologians

It’s not magic

It’s gospel

It’s the true presence of Christ in us

Walk with congregations

Illuminate the implications

Tend his sheep

With one eye on their heart

One eye on their digital parousia

We must lead 

Educate

Instruct

Train

To profane the techno drug

To cherish our tribe instead

Don’t just wish to form them

Deliver our good news to form them

Get lost in the like 

It was meant to save us 

Not to fame us

And share buttons

About our faith

We worship one Deity 

Equal in glory

Coeternal in majesty

Trinity of Unity

The what of Father is 

The what of Son is 

The what of Holy Spirit is

Spiraling out

Keep going 

Absolution lays in accurately reciting these verses 

Simsalabim Bamba Saladu Saladim

Don’t block the means to the end

No tablet or smartphone can compare 

To the refulfillment

We take and eat

In the Supper

Remembering the history 

Remembering the tendency

Moving and making 

Liturgy into magic 

Rainbows and warbows

Its modality calls us

Paying attention to the how

Of the gathered church

Of the assembly 

Of those coming together 

In creed

In crown

In covenant

The antidote of our distraction 

Let us read deeply

Between the lines

Between the leis

Between the lies

Misunderstanding us

Choking us

Decaying this embodiment of the us

When we gather

Like eagles

Christ is truly present in it

We too should be truly present in this gospel

With our people in its magic

Psychopannychia

My sentence is for peace
Yet theirs is for open war: of wiles

Drink in my answers

A shelter of worthless lies and half truths

Trailing down my catabaptist gutters

Eating away bellies of insanity like a cancer

Or feast your eyes instead on their spread of metaphysical absurdities

Polluted by oversimplification and arbitrariness 

Repellant to sound reason and beautiful taste

Masquerading as the most terrifying tradition of the One

Thrice holy, omnipotent, and boundlessly good

Toward those sketched from all eternity

Glorious, supreme, and boundlessly cruel

Toward all those enlightened sociopaths 

With their appendage of the trinity in hand

And sacred tradition placarded across phylacteries 

Selectively following a democracy of the dead

Alongside peer reviewed pressure of tenured tracks 

Comfortably acquiescing to the dictates of infernalists and sacrificialists

One, holy, catholic and apostolic creed is all 

They need or want in common

Go and disciple all nations

They all insist

Baptize them into our quadrinity

Some demur

The kosmos must commune with our version of Divinity

They all genuflect 

Some kind of apostolic succession must be retained 

Our paperback version of sacerdotalism must be preserved

Just don’t call it that

Instead, call it giving obsequium religiosum

But don’t say it to them in Latin

That’ll send the wrong signal

And the gnostics might gain the advantage 

Slide it into our confession as an explanation of our creed

Heaven forbid they win the war

Heterodoxy and heresy must be brought to ruin 

Arians, Marcionites, Pelagians, and Catholics galore

All need the essential good of our glorious gospel 

That our benevolent and omnipotent Deity Has destined them

To everlasting splendor or unending torture

Those on the right will receive life unto ages of ages

Those on the left, unending punishment

For few, eternal life

For many, eternal destruction 

The wording of the Fourth person is abundantly clear

As it is tragically ironic 

And ironically tragic 

Eternal life or eternal judgment

So say we all

Eternal life or eternal fire 

So say we all

Eternal life for those who seek for immortality

Death for those seeking selfish hostility and rivalry

Disobeying the real while obeying injustice instead

So say we all

To the former, eternal honor and glory are distributed 

The latter are cast away from God’s presence and the glory of his might

Consciously tormented forever

So say we all

So fear not those who can kill the body but not the soul

Fear the One who can destroy both body and soul in Gehenna

In the Resurrection from the dead-ones

God will give us all bodies so that we cannot die or be destroyed

If our lord says it

We must believe it 

And that settles it

So say we all

What more shall I say?

For time would fail me to tell of Jephthah and the prophets

Who were commended through their faith 

What matters now is knowing the standard set before us

Let’s not challenge it enough

To lose our jobs

Or credibility

Among the masses

Scholars agree 

There once was a time 

When the Deity dwelt among them

So they jotted down their collective encounter 

With this monstrosity 

Schools of scribes and redactors had their reasons 

For sculpting what remained of vellum and parchment

Professors and Pastors have their reasons too

They will provide the much needed apodoses if we agree with their protases

Anomalous constructions are everywhere throughout the pericope 

Adding admirable grist to the mill of any narrator

Desiring to craft a story capable of more than one meaning 

But their cleaning and scraping and gluing and standardizing is just 

Another adventure in missing the point

The sacrificialists suffer the same as infernalists in this way

An alleged unbroken succession of interpretation

The scribal traditions we train for today are as reliable 

As the plain meaning we regurgitate

So we are taught to believe 

So say we all

The Olah is a sacrifice that is wholly consumed by fire

That’s what it means 

That’s why we translate it as a whole burnt offering

That’s what our lord teaches us

So say we all

Our lexicons make no allowance for purely figurative usage 

Beyond the bounds of the book

An ascension to the holy mountain is not an option

The meaning is obvious

So say we all

Deflecting attention away 

From the narrative arc of the judges 

Its unique emphasis with immediate predecessors and successors 

With numerous progeny 

Yet he had more than a favorite

He had only one child and heir to a dynasty 

That’s why the vow mattered so much

All successors and predecessors are tempted with dynastic aspirations

We are not told this explicitly

Or are we? 

We cannot believe that 

Or can we? 

All such temptation was removed by God 

We can only believe what the text plainly means

So say we all

The end result is the same anyway

Some think she was to die unmarried and childless 

Others think she was to die unmarried and childless 

The timing of the death is what varies

One occurs over the course of time 

After a full life is lived without child

The other occurs in just two months

So that a full life cannot be lived with child

The lawfulness of the vow matters too

Can one vow to murder another or offer human sacrifice

Yet expect God to not hold him accountable?

We shouldn’t ask such questions 

Let’s pony up to the real horror of the story 

This righteous man was confused

He made a vow and was supposed to stick with it 

The same infernalist demanding Deity would certainly hold him to it

So say we all

Let’s not try to paint a prettier picture of the man than what he really was

So say we all

A sinner and unsophisticated rustic

In need of grace 

In need of that great Sermon on the Mount

To keep him from taking an oath at all

So say we all

Yet he made a vow and must keep it

Or else 

The most high God would ...

The text doesn’t say

But he certainly believed God would have 

So say we all

All primitives of that generation thought as much 

So say we all

Even Jesus said don’t vow at all

Because if you do you must keep it no matter what

So say we all

Let your yes be yes and your no be no

Anything more comes from the evil one

So say we all

Forget about the plague that broke out after Mesha sacrificed his firstborn

So say we all

If our lord said it

We must believe it 

And that settles it

So say we all

But what about those who felt a need to save her from being murdered? 

What about the Torah forbidding human sacrifice?

Aren't such vows invalid according to Leviticus?

Silence, Catabaptist

It was legal in Jephthah’s time

So say we all

Plus he was likely unaware of such Torah 

So say we all

Like the Ammonites who regularly practiced human sacrifice

If surrounding elohim required it

So did Israel’s Elohim

So say we all

But no one attempted to save the child 

As with Saul’s rash vow and action toward Jonathan

I said silence

That’s beside the point 

So say we all

What about their celebration of the Deity’s victories? 

So say none at all

This is no celebration

This is an annual event of mourning

The fact is clear enough 

A literal sacrifice was commemorated 

The human sacrifice was extraordinary 

So say we all

Artemis would only grant a favorable wind 

If the prophet’s word was kept

So say we all

The vow was made

Therefore the most beautiful thing must be summoned

So say we all

To eternal death, then judgement

So say we all

To unending, conscious, bodily agonies in the Lake

So say we all

But such was not the case for the only child on Moriah

Narrated in reverse 

Offered up as an Olah

There the sacrifice was required

There the father prepared to obey 

There the extraordinary faith was demonstrated 

There the lamb was provided in his place

There the Deity vowed to provide countless descendants 

Therefore Jephthah is the real phenomenon

So say we all

Like Abram

The true disciple of Deity

Like Abram

Waging war on His behalf 

Like Abram

Calling upon Him to judge between Israel and the nations

Like Abram

And the Spirit of YHWH came upon Jephthah

And he passed through Gilead and Manasseh

And he passed through Gilead of Mizpah

And from Gilead of Mizpah he passed through Ammon

And he—Jephthah—made a vow to YHWH

But Jephthah was a complete buffoon

So say we all

A man like the surrounding fools of goyim 

So say we all

He shouldn’t have made that vow

So say we all

Oh the tragedy and irony of each generation

Preferring the advice of Moloch over Belial

Swallowed up and lost

In the wide womb of uncreated Night

The Dance

Thank you for welcoming me back into your home

Thank you for watching my kiddos 

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for raising the best daughter imaginable

Thank you for being a shining example of hospitality

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness 

Thank you for modeling to her what it is to be a godly and virtuous mother

Thank for modeling to me the kind of motherhood I never knew and wish I always had

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for being patient with me these past few years

Thank you for allowing time for redemption and healing

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for considering others more than yourself

Thank you for your empathy toward the weak and vulnerable

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness 

Thank you for inviting my mother into your home

Thank you for spending time with her

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for sharing part of your day with her

Thank you for introducing my children to her

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for telling her your story

Thank you for allowing me to share mine

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for listening to her sincerely

Thank you for leading her to my door, a half-mile away

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Thank you for not letting me know

Thank you for telling my wife about it after it had passed

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Please allow me to express my own appreciation

Please allow me to make one request

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Since you appreciate redemption so much

Since I no longer have a mother who will ever be seen again

Please consider another mother whom we both love

This mother cries openly and inconsolably at every wedding 

As I do at the thought of never seeing my mother again

Waiting nearly twenty years with no opportunity for redemption

Hoping and praying for just one chance

This mother loves greatly because she had a lovely model for motherhood

This mother wants nothing more than to have that dance she was robbed of by a mother

It can be any day

In any room

At any time

Blue Moon

Standing alone

With the love of my own

Just one dance

That first dance

Between us all

I really appreciate your thoughtfulness

Between the liens

I wear my emotions on my sleeves

I'm as transparent as it gets

What you see is what you get
Correct me if i'm wrong

Whence did I receive rationalizations galore of righteous indignation?

I got my foolish zeal from you

There I inherited my infatuation for justice

And my great pride?

My boldness in the face of evil?

My extraordinary self-confidence?

All from your example

My phobias come from her 

My pushiness from her

All empathy from her 

My pity from her

My cunning—all hers

Nobody knows as much as you though

She was severely mentally ill

You were completely and stubbornly sane

Her illness would manifest a complete manipulative two-faced bitch at calculated times

You were just a self-aggrandized asshole caring more about the prized stallion more than tony the pony

She received treatments for a time, and then adamantly refused because she was fucking crazy

You never received correction or ever accepted therapy though

Your excuse? 

You didn’t want to lose your kids

Your excuse?

There were no counselors Christian enough for you

Your excuse? 

Secular psychologists couldn’t or wouldn’t empathize with you

Her excuse? 

Does she even need one? 

She was sick

Her natural personality was triune

The frenzied wrath of a father, the fleeting wind-likeness of spirit, and passibility of the son all wound together in one flesh

She was fucked up

She was literally insane most of my life

But you? 

You’re a prized stallion

You’re a former athlete 

You’re a soldier and patriot

You’re sovereign and national

You’re a prophet, priest, and king

You’re a martyr, shepherd, preacher

You’re now a doctor, too

A man after God’s own heart

Look at what you built

Look at what you defended 

Behold what you have sustained 

Your career of presuppositionalist herem had much success

Like the late great Mr. Pink

Sipping communion at home until his dying day because no one was as prized as he was

No one sustained what he had

Not one soul on earth fought tyranny and built walls of estrangement as high as him

Praise Obama 

Remember that letter of her excommunication that my brother and I wrote? 

Me neither

I remember you writing the whole thing and telling us to lie for you to the session 

Remember how good at chemistry, and math, and history I was? 

Me neither

I didn’t have to be

You either left the answer key lying around or you were too busy building God's kingdom to follow through with love and attention

You left all that for an insane woman to take care of—absolutely brilliant

Why did I become an addict at age fifteen? 

She bought me cartons of cigarettes

Bribing me to steal from you

You modeled resentment and bitterness
You sculpted an image of war propheteering
You recited the grace of God's Law
You delivered the real goods nobody else would
You denounced all cowards for their pablum

Whose habits do you think contributed most?
Perhaps that's a false dichotomy?

The great irony of puritans is that they can’t r/e/a/d

The great tragedy: they insist they can

Because they know they’re clever

And they truly are

They wave their God-in-paperback around in ways that would still make John Knox proud

Upon the first blast of the trumpet
Against the monstrous regiment of women

She received the capital punishment you thought she deserved

To which is added
The contents of the second blast

You became sovereign and she became homeless

Death is right here—Be sober o soul, and read between the liens

Memory Eternal (my wings part two)

All day I played Wings Part Two on repeat

I didn’t want to hear anything else

Just tears poured out whenever I imagined

You were the light and the way they only read about

I didn’t start the day expecting it to become this way 

I left the post office and opened your purse

I hadn’t seen your face since I was nineteen

And now all I could see was your smile

I wish I had seen it in person since then

I remember it, but from too long ago

I wish I had just one more glance

Or better yet, one hug and kiss

And one for Alison, my angel, too

And one for Jadon, Eden, and Gaius

Or better yet, to spend a whole day with all of us together

To welcome you into my own home

To share a meal or two together

To hear your voice resound

To gaze at your smile next to me

To even cry together

I’m sure there would have been lots of tears

I would have been there holding you in my arms 

But I wasn’t ever given that chance

A son can dream, can’t he? 

I miss you so much

And yet I don’t even know the you in the driver’s license 

Other than what my teenage self last recollected

I’m so happy to have received your little notebook though

I immediately recalled your distinctive cursive handwriting 

It didn’t change a bit over the last two decades

Maybe my strong opinions about cursive need to change

And your faith in the Lord didn’t change either

I can imagine a certain someone still asking, “What faith?”

Forget about him

His faith only has a dozen followers

But yours has the hosts of heaven 

“Woe unto you that desire the day of the Lord

To what end is it for you?

The day of the Lord is darkness, and not light

Read verses twenty one and twenty two

God himself is saying these verses!”

I didn’t want to read anything else

Just tears poured out whenever I considered

You were the light and the way they only read about

I couldn’t leave the post office 

I stayed parked far beyond my fifteen minute sign limit

Just weeping and praying

More weeping than praying though

Eventually I went to work and didn’t accomplish much

Because I was thinking about your smile and your cursive notes

What an incredible sight to behold

Such a sincere and childlike faith

Not even the most severe tempests of life could loosen your grip

“Hate the evil, and love the good

And establish judgment in the gate

It may be that the Lord God of hosts will be gracious unto the remnant of Joseph

The prudent shall keep silence in that time

For it is an evil time”

You held on to the very end through an evil time

Which began when he divorced you for another

I wasn’t in a good place to know any better at that time

So please forgive me

And recovery without you was much needed

But now that nearly two decades have passed

All I could recall from him was the mantra

You were to blame, not him

You ruined everything

He needed a secretary

You were demon possessed 

You were the problem

He needed a virtuous wife and never had one

You abandoned him

You were not merely ill

Because illness wasn’t a just enough ground for him

Yet from what the Sheriff mentioned over the phone

According to others in Aberdeen, you were still known to be mentally ill

And in ways just like I remember you being

But that simple, sincere smile of yours still catches me off guard

And your handwritten notes still overwhelm me 

You remained filled with the faith of a child all these years

“Seek good, and not evil, that ye may live

And so the Lord the God of hosts shall be with you”

Yet I had no way of knowing this sincere faith of yours all these years

Because you were nowhere to be found

You were remembered as the self proclaimed victim and martyr, abandoned and unloved

And no one taught us how to consider some validity to that

Tears just pour out because I now realize

You were the light and the way they only read about